It has taken many lifetimes, but now I finally know who, or rather what, I am: a pariah; a lost soul searching for redemption and justice.
But I cannot do this alone; I need the aid of those less fortunate than myself. Condemned to spend an eternity in torment, and for that reason alone I cannot abandon my quest and forsake them.
But our time of emancipation is almost upon us as I breach this final barrier and confront my fears. Not just my own, but those of all humankind's, armed with nothing more than my razor-sharp wit - and a little magic.
It all sounds rather apocalyptic, doesn't it? Slim chance of success against insurmountable odds? Probably, but at least I still retain my sense of humour, though, so it should be a laugh - in between the horrific bits.
But seriously, we are your last chance at salvation...